ABOUT THIS SERIES

And so the silly season has arrived. Do I mean Christmas? No, I do not. I am talking about Christchurch Cup and Show Week. The week in November when Canterbury apparently Comes to Town and everyone complains they have “nothing to wear” or that ‘nothing fits,’ and the anticipation of the revelry that approaches makes us all crazy. People brace their livers for the onslaught, tables are booked for Cup Day Brunch and a bus and the truly brave face the post-race madness at Aikmans. If you are really smart you can settle in at this popular Merivale watering hole and watch as the inebriated stumble in with their smudged lipstick, dishevelled racewear and hats askew and enjoy the entertainment. Spot the ones who forgot suncream!! 

But my favourite past-time after Cup Day or Riccarton Races is to spy the potential new couples who hook up on the Lindauer Lawn or under the shady canopy of Riccarton Members Area. I would suggest that we all know at least one couple who got together during the frivolity of Cup Week under a haze of bubbles, beer and more than a few money shots. But what if you are not a race goer but you would still like to have a ‘plus one’ for all the up-coming Summer parties, BBQ’s and Christmas shin-digs - what are your options? Do you have to swipe right or be swept under the carpet? 

Well, I am happy to report that there are other options out there in the Garden City. I recently met with two women who are helping single Cantabrians to find love.Emily Heazlewood has started the Amor App - a new style of dating app that doesn’t present you with hundreds of potentials to swipe through but instead uses complex algorithms to send you suitable matches. It does this by having extensive on-boarding questions which really require you to know yourself and what you are looking for. Also, there is a monthly fee of $30 meaning although it is very affordable, it puts off the ones who are not committed. In my opinion this new app weeds out the ‘low-effort tryers’ and ‘F-boys’ who wouldn’t know a Love Language if it hit them in the face. Amor App uses Myers-Briggs profiling and values assessments to work out your most compatible matches and indeed asks you to identify your top three Love Languages to ensure you and your match are on the same page. But the key difference to the Amor app is that when you get your matches the photos are pixelated. No photos! I hear you gasping. Indeed. But I love this, as the abundance of potentials on dating apps has created a disposable culture, turning us all into judgemental and critical observers of all men and their physicality. 

Swipe left (eyebrows too close together). Swipe left (too bald), Swipe left (too short). Swipe left (just looks weird). And so it goes on until we get to the end of the suggestions, which unfortunately is not hard in Canterbury, and we are left moaning about there being nobody out there.Three or four Amor App matches are sent out once a week on a Sunday afternoon to allow you a week to chat, meet up and decide if they are for you. Which means you have a decision to make. Are you on a dating app to meet someone or are you there for the dopamine hit and attention you get from endless swiping, chatting with multiple people and being a nosey and potentially critical voyeur? If you are serious, I believe Amor could be the way to go. Happy couples who have met on Amor have told Emily that they never would have gone for each other on a traditional app as they would have judged their now partner by his looks alone. It is quite new and Emily says there are approximately 250-300 members currently. But with a re-launch and robust marketing plan to come this could be the ideal time to sign up.The other lady is doing her bit for daters in a slightly different way. Jude, otherwise known as The Dating Coach, uses her background in coaching and business to create an exclusive matchmaking and relationship coaching service to help people meet and find love. Using sophisticated tools like Extended DISC profiling and personalised coaching, Jude can enable you to understand yourself, what you are looking for and how your behavioural style influences your relationships. She can help with your dating profile, photos, even your clothing and the image you project. 

She also runs in person meet ups which she tells me are a great way to be social and also meet someone that you know is also single and looking.But it is the matchmaking that intrigues me. As a bespoke matchmaker Jude Gane analyses your profiles, personal information, personality and lifestyle preferences to match you with people who may be suitable for you as a mate. If you are not interested in dating ‘publicly’ and do not want everyone knowing your business, matchmaking could be the way to go. Obviously you need to be open to suggestions and be willing to follow the process, but when I met Jude I felt like there was a voice in the back of my head saying ‘Well, sweetheart, picking your own men hasn’t worked out for you so far. Why not let someone else do it?’   

What do these two approaches have in common? They require us to throw away the disposability culture, get up off the couch and put ourselves out there in a meaningful way. Yes maybe dating without a picture or using a matchmaker might feel bloody terrifying but what if doing something different actually works? They do say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Well, normal dating apps or crossing your fingers and hoping you’ll trip over someone in No. 4 has not worked for us so far (or else you probably wouldn’t be reading this article - let’s be honest.)

So give something new a go and let me know how things pan out. I’d love to hear.For those of you who follow me regularly, I did try to explore one of my non-negotiables by being willing to go on a date with the guy who was 5'6’' that I mentioned in my last article, but he ghosted me!  After I’d finished laughing I decided that onward and upward was the best policy. Excuse the pun! (Full marks for those who saw what I did there).

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Do you have any? Do you have them all? Most people are, of course, somewhere in between but there are many different non-negotiables and they can vary immensely amongst daters. 

But when is a non-negotiable too much? How far do you let it go? You say you are defending your standards or maybe even your boundaries, but, is that actually true or are you really being an impossibly fussy bugger with ridiculously and unachievable high standards?

For me, normal non-negotiables would be things like cleanliness, respectful behaviour and honesty. These are fair and to be expected. But what about those women who, under the barrage of choice on dating Apps, judge a man on the silliest of faux-pas such as hair colour, glasses or heaven forbid - horoscope!

There has been a lot of talk recently following TikToker Megan Boni’s ‘genuine and romantic' declaration “I’m looking for a man in finance, trust fund, 6 '5”, blue eyes”. As ridiculous as this is, it seems this attitude may be more common than one would like to think. Do you secretly kneel by the bed every night, palms pressed together praying to the God of Love and Tinder for a man in finance? I for one do not, but only because in my experience men like this tend to be assholes, but I could be wrong. Also, I am looking for a few more qualities such as emotional intelligence, kindness and a good sense of humour. But, if these things happened to be wrapped up in a 6’5”, blue-eyed man in finance with a trust fund then bring it on!! I’m not impartial to blue eyes after all.

But let’s talk about height. How tall is too tall? For me at just 5’2” I would be unsettled dating someone 6' 5” - I already spend enough time with my chiropractor and she tells me off when I wear even a 2” heel. If I dated a man that tall I'd need stilts and that probably wouldn’t help my neck,  back or my bank balance. If I was 5’10 or 11” it might be different but, let’s be honest,  a tall guy is not really the problem here, is it? The dilemma comes when talking about a shorter gentleman. So maybe the more important question here is, how short is too short?

Would you date a guy shorter than yourself? 

For me, at 5’2” it would be incredibly unlucky for me to find a man shorter than me but let’s assume you are of average height. Would you date a guy the same height as you? Or even a man who is 5’7” or 5’8”? For most women it is a loud and resounding NO! Especially if you are a gal who loves high heels. Sadly, no matter how handsome or accomplished, a short man often gets the short straw when it comes to dating. I believe this is an evolutionary construct based on a woman’s need for security and safety. A man who is not tall cannot possibly save you from a sabre-tooth tiger or hunt down wild animals in the dead of winter to feed your family. I know, it's not fair, as many of these guys would have been hitting the gym since they were twelve to bulk up and show us girls that they can keep us safe. But we are a fickle lot and even I, with my miniature stature, have been known to turn my nose up at a guy who is 5’8”.  It doesn’t make much sense so I have decided that maybe it is time to give height a chance. I have just matched with someone 5’6” (gulp) so I’ll keep you posted.

Because what if you are regularly putting it ‘out there’ to the Universe and complaining that nobody is listening and that you are still scarily single. But what if the man of your dreams IS being sent to you by the Universe in the form of a guy who is on the short side? The Universe is yelling back at you in frustration ‘I KEEP sending you the perfect man - he is kind, funny, financially secure, smart and handsome and yes, he’s 5’6”, but he is the one for you. Why do you keep sending him back - what more do you want?!’

And this brings me nicely to my next article. Would you date a man you hadn’t even seen yet? To put it in reality TV terminology - a bit like Blind Dating or Dating in the Dark? Perhaps not seeing each other would remove a lot of the initial unreasonable judgements and silly non-negotiables. Next month I will be talking with the creator of a new Dating App where emotional connection is the key, not physical attraction. I’m beyond curious to see how that will work. 

In the meantime, try dating someone under your height ideal - I’d love to hear how it goes.

This column started out as a way to talk about and dissect the single life of the over 40’s in Canterbury. Well, it seems that some people have taken themselves off the dating roundabout, embracing celibacy rather than remain on the hamster wheel of Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. Removing yourself from the tiring cycle of hope, aimless conversation, ghosting, loss of self esteem, self-doubt, disappointment and frustration can give you a chance to regroup. Choosing to focus on yourself and your own wellbeing can remind you of what it is that you want as an individual. Celibacy has taken off with such a surge that the term “Boysober” has been coined by influencer and comedian Hope Woodard and even the powers at Bumble decided celibacy was just getting out of hand and created a campaign about it. They got into trouble on an international stage for their advertising which stated “You know full well a vow of celibacy is not the answer!” And “Thou shalt not give up on dating and become a nun.” Bumble received criticism from all directions but it showed that celibacy is something that many are taking seriously but it’s just not good for dating App business.

We also know that when Hollywood speaks - everyone listens - and some stars have been very vocal about their celibacy journey. Most notably Lady Gaga and Lenny Kravitz, the latter claims he hasn’t dated for 9 years and is celibate for ‘spiritual reasons.’ Personally I think it is just because he hasn’t met me yet - Lenny - I’m here honey and would be happy to end your dry spell!!

On a slightly more serious note, the biggest age groups for voluntary celibacy are somewhat surprisingly, 18-24 years old and maybe not so surprisingly, 55+. Older people may just find it harder to find someone to have sex with or, (and I suspect this is more true for women), they are just so fed up with people’s bullshit they have decided it is just easier, simpler and more peaceful to be alone and live life on their own terms. The more serious element of this conversation is that feedback from younger women claim they are celibate because they are avoiding risk. They do not feel safe anymore. These young women state that they are “fed up of being slapped and choked,” because young men watch too much porn and think that this is what these girls want in their sex life. 

Sadly I would say that this is not unusual in the over 50’s group either- it seems like it is a growing vicious circle; The less sex men are having, the more they watch porn; The more porn they watch the less able they are to have satisfying sex with a woman, the less women want to have sex with them and so it goes on.

People who choose to be celibate voluntarily are embracing it as a lifestyle, sometimes for a month, (which gives ‘Dry July’ a whole new meaning), or for 6 months or longer, and sometimes even years. So what are they doing with all this time and energy? Focussing on themselves seems to be the answer but this can have very different meanings for the wide range of women giving celibacy a try. For some this means learning to find out what truly makes them happy and content, avoiding dating fatigue and managing risk. For others it is managing their dopamine addiction from endless swiping and late night messaging with numerous potentials only to feeling crap about themselves when they are ghosted or breadcrumbed or catfished. 

But for others the ‘focusing on themselves’ takes on a whole new vibe with them building a special relationship with their vibrators and high power tools for self-pleasure. Sales of sex toys has increased since lockdown and is only on the up as celibacy takes hold. Women are getting very specific with their needs and desires using different ‘tools’ for different requirements; the  LELO Sona 2 Cruise or  Thrust by Bellesa provide totally different experiences meaning celibate women do not have to miss out at all and can take their own needs into their own hands. 

Voluntary celibacy is one thing but unfortunately, Involuntary Celibacy is another thing entirely. 

Being unable to find anyone to have sex with or being unable to attract a sexual partner is really more about self-love and acceptance than choice. This area is definitely the domain of the over 50’s and maybe the only answer is to embrace voluntary celibacy - because in the end - it is all about attitude. Whatever your choice - own it.

Dating is not fun. For most people, regardless of age, dating is not fun. But, for women over the age of 40 it becomes even less fun. Especially if you are dating on an App as is the norm. 

Because if you are dangling your hopes into the pool of men over 40 what might become attached could be quite scary. We have all seen the memes doing the rounds of “plenty of fish in the sea”. Well, those fish are the ugliest and most scary fish on the planet. But what is even more concerning is that most of the fish that appear on dating apps are being held aloft by even scarier but proud ‘fish’. 

But to me, what takes the fun out of dating on an App over 40, is the knowledge that most men in our age group do not want to date us. They want to date a woman fifteen or twenty years younger than us. There have been a number of studies carried out which show that the average 50 yr old woman on a dating app will have an age range of 5-7 years below her age and 10-15 years above her age. A man aged 50 will have an age range from 25 years below his age to 5-7 years above. This does not leave for a lot of overlap. Even more concerning to me is that another part of the studies also showed that women desire a man with advanced degrees or similar but a man requires no more than a woman who has finished school. Clearly men are not after us for our brains - in fact some would prefer us without any at all.

We all know that it is acceptable for a man to date a woman younger than him and, I can understand the appeal from both sides of the equation. But my point in this article is that it takes the pool available for women over 40 and shrinks it to a puddle. And in Canterbury, the pool is not that big to start with.

So, it is not surprising that with the pool available to older ladies getting smaller and the quality of that puddle being less than desirable, so many women are confused about what to do to find a date, let alone love. The internet is filled with ‘experts’ telling us to have boundaries and to maintain your standards and never settle. But how do you even get to a face to face date if you don’t compromise just a little.

So what do I mean? Well, what about the utterly ridiculous and pathetic excuses for conversation we tolerate from men on Apps?  We compromise all the time here! To explain what I mean let us take some real App “conversation starters” but put them into the real world; You are in the supermarket picking out the perfect avocado and a strange man in a singlet stands staring at you and says, “hey there” and waits. When you don’t reply he shouts “HELLO ???” sarcastically.  

Or, maybe you are at work. The new guy walks up to your desk as you work late and stares at you and the photos on your desk and says “Hi gorgeous - want some company tonight? Are you DTF?” 

Worse still, maybe you are at the bus stop and the guy you nodded and smiled at this morning takes his shirt off, flexes his muscles and says “what do you think baby? Now you’ve seen mine, how about showing me yours?”

Would you start chatting with these men and give them your Whatsapp number? Of course you wouldn’t - because that would be insane. Sounds ridiculous when you place these in the real world but these kinds of interactions happen thousands of times a day on Apps and somehow women seem to have grown used to them and almost have accepted that this is part of the ‘game’. But I don’t know anyone who likes this “lazy dating”. I don’t know about you ladies but the conversations I have in my day to day life with friends and colleagues are fun, vulnerable, intelligent, topical, challenging and usually hilarious - I dont think I deserve any less in my dating life - do you? But do we feel that in order to compete with the younger women we have to accept these inane advances and sad attempts at conversation? Maybe.

Another result of this reduced pool of potential is that it creates a kind of ‘lack’ that has us acting in ways that are totally out of character. Let us say we have found someone we can chat with; funny, charming and intelligent conversation and everything seems to be going great. So great! Hours messaging or calling and those cute wee ‘good morning beautiful’ wake up texts. You’ve been talking with him a lot since you matched a week ago - you have a good feeling about him. You suggest meeting for a date. Aah life is good.

Until it isn't. He starts to take longer to reply. Maybe he didn't call when he said he would. Maybe the calling stops, and the messaging and then suddenly, there is no more ‘good morning beautiful’. You’ve only known this person for a week. They are a stranger. But, for some inexplicable reason, the minute they start to pull away, the more you want them! The more convinced you are that they could be the one! So your solution is to try harder. I must get him back. What is this madness? We all have done it - for some of us it is even a pattern. It is called the value of scarcity. Once something becomes scarce it becomes more valuable and the more valuable it is the more you want it. So you text more, you call more, you become more available.

But this has the opposite effect doesn’t it? As soon as you invest too soon, he is thinking “Wow I’m really important to her. But she’s only just met me - she doesn't know me. I don’t know her. She’s desperate- it’s too much!” And off he goes - into the innards of the interweb - leaving you in the eerie silence of your empty inbox. And in your grief you cry to your girlfriends, “I can’t believe he ghosted me. We had such a connection!”

Sound familiar? We are independent strong women but in these scenarios our little voice inside our head says “he’s a nice guy, you had stuff in common, you may not meet another one like him in this thimble-sized pool in Christchurch! Work harder woman!! Don’t give up! Get him back!” Sure this attitude is great at work and in sport but not in dating. No matter how small the pool, we need to lean back and think rationally. Ignore that little voice. You can’t make anyone love you or want to be with you if that’s not what they want. 

Maybe this explains why celibacy is growing in popularity. Next month we will discuss why. If you are celebate by choice we would love to hear your story.

For most single people, being single means dating.  But as we have discussed many times, sometimes the very thought of dating strikes fear into our hearts. We think back to the last one (or two, or three men) and kick ourselves for not seeing who they really were earlier on. We blame ourselves for not seeing the red flags, the signs. And sadly, we lose trust, not just in men, but in our ability to choose the right one next time. So yes, dating can feel scary.

But what if we just forgive ourselves? What if we don’t put all the responsibility for a successful relationship upon our ability to be a mind-reader, a psychologist and a relationship coach? Can we stop thinking that if WE do better next time, then it will work out? Instead, forgiving ourselves, learning to be more aware and walking away sooner can change everything about our dating experiences.

Do you think you could forgive yourself for getting sucked into false promises? You are not responsible for someone’s words and actions not aligning. You were misled. You are not a mind-reader or a human lie detector! Sister, forgive yourself and move on.

You could forgive yourself for not seeing red flags or for making excuses for them. You didn’t see because they didn’t want you to see. Maybe some dating experiences are for learning rather than loving. And the learning could be to slow down, observe and take action earlier if something makes you uncomfortable. We can have compassion for a man’s childhood, disastrous relationships or traumas that led to bad behaviours, but honey, we do NOT have to date them.

Forgive yourself for all those times you saw someone’s inconsistency and lack of effort and saw it as a challenge to change them, prove your worth and show yourself that you could convince them to be better. As Oprah says, “When they show you who they are, believe them the first time!” This is not the best of three! We are over 40 - we don’t have time to waste! I don’t know about you but I don't want a doer-upper! I want a man who has done his own makeover and renovations, with safe electrics and working plumbing.

And what about ghosting? Do you beat yourself up when it happens to you? “What did I say wrong?”, “What didn’t I do?” “Should I have done A, B or C?” NO! NO! NO! Do not blame yourself and forgive yourself for blaming yourself. If someone ghosts you it has everything to do with their inability to communicate authentically, their lack of common courtesy and nothing to do with you. Ghosting is for cowards and fearful avoidants and nobody wants to date one of those. If you get ghosted, stop asking why, dance your happy dance and say thank you for not wasting more of my time.

During my Single Life research I came across a dating strategy by a psychologist that I want to share with you. We would all agree that finding the right man is like finding a needle in a haystack - right? So how do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn down the haystack leaving the needle. Sounds logical but how does this apply to dating? 

The Burned Haystack Method suggests you “burn” the prospects on apps that are not what you are looking for and in dating terms, burn = block! And the guidelines are clear - if they don’t have a written profile - block. If they have nothing but half naked images or bathroom selfies - block. If they have no images or want to move to Whatsapp - block. Don't just swipe left - in this strategy you block them which apparently forces the dating algorithm to send you more suitable prospects and stops the endless regurgitation of the same people which we are all used to. And should you match, the strategy says if they start a conversation with just a “hey” or a comment regarding your appearance or a sexual comment - guess what? Block! You are burning the haystack and hopefully only leaving needles, which in this case are genuine men who actually read your profile, show interest, ask questions, ask you on dates and generally show respect and take the lead. I don’t know if this works but it does force you to ask yourself what you are after - a pure dopamine hit from matches or waiting messages from randoms or something real and genuine. 

If you are interested in knowing more check out the Burned Haystack Method and follow @word_case_scenario on Instagram for more details. I will definitely be employing this method to find my needle - I would love to hear your thoughts and what results you get if you try it out! Let’s get out there, start dating with a new attitude and stop blaming ourselves for things that we should be grateful for, because often we truly dodged a bullet and learned a lot in the process.

Happy Haystack Burning!

And when we look at the quality of a lot of men on dating apps - well, if you can get past the awful ‘fish photos’ and bathroom mirror selfies - we just can’t see ourselves getting up close and personal with any of them.

But what if we approached dating differently?

By date two, most people have not decided if they like you or not. That connection you thought you felt could have been the result of the three wines you had or because you discovered that you both like Marvel movies. But this type of connection does not make a relationship! 

My 3am musings this week had me asking myself, when it comes to having a single life, how single do you actually need to be? Are singleness levels like the layers of onion where it starts off fine but at a certain point it reduces you to tears? What actually is the definition of single?

What about Ms Stoic Singleton who believes that she has become a born-again-virgin from lack of action and feels there is more chance of being abducted by aliens than actually being in a relationship? Is she the true definition or has she just given up?  Or is it Ms Satisfied Single, who is not even bothering to date, instead enjoying her friends, freedom and her vibrator, binge-watching Bridgerton S3 with wine and popcorn and relishing every second. Is she single or just a female choosing her own company over a man?

Another contender could be Ms Avoidant Single, going on multiple dates searching for Mr Right, treating her dating life like a full-time job and being open-minded to everyone who is not her “type” because, ‘well, you never know….’ I will confess that once upon a time, this was me. I went on so many dates! Sometimes two or three in one day. I honestly don’t know how I had the energy; all I can say is I was on a mission. Not only was I looking for Mr Right, but I realise now with the beauty of hindsight and therapy, that I was also avoiding the feeling of being single. When you are going out multiple nights a week, having weekend dates and spending evenings texting with various “potentials” giving you attention, it is easy to avoid the feelings of loneliness and boredom that can be a big part of being single. So, was I single? Yes, but barely.

My last definition is Ms Sexually Satisfied Single with her ‘friend with benefits’. Just in case there is anyone out there who has been hiding on Mars for the last 20 years- let me explain. A FWB is a person you know (and hopefully like) that you have sex with but who is unavailable (or unwanted) for all the other parts that would make it a relationship. At its best, it can be freeing and fun. A no-strings, physically fulfilling and enjoyable way to get your needs met without any complications. Staying the night is not essential so you can still get to starfish in your own bed and not have to deal with snoring! When both parties feel the same way, when nobody harbours secret expectations of the other and both know the rules and the parameters - it can be the perfect way to be single.

But, there can be a lot of buts! One person not being totally honest about how they feel and how much they want can cause no end of heartbreak and feelings of inadequacy. It is all too easy to secretly hope that the ‘benefits’ will magically morph into a full-blown relationship with all the trimmings. And even though Hollywood would have you believe that these things happen all the time, in reality, it is rare. Also, men have a much easier time keeping feelings out of the bedroom and do not experience the gush of oxytocin (the love hormone) after orgasm. So at worst, we can be left feeling cheap, resentful, rejected or used and in that case I believe it is better to be alone. Alone with a vibrator of course, but alone.

So, is this the new reality of a modern day single life? In lieu of proper relationship material, are we, as single modern women, finding a happy medium that allows us to have our cake and eat it? Or does having a friend with benefits or being a serial dater, jeopardise our chances of ever moving to the leafy suburbs of Couplesville? 

My 3am musings finally left me with the sobering thought that being single can be whatever the hell we want it to be, but we are all human and humans are not designed to be alone. I may not be sure of much, but I do know that Mr Right is not going to beam into my living room while I am watching the next series of Bridgerton! So, maybe somewhere between serial dater and serial watcher is the sweet spot. And if I find myself in danger of becoming a born-again-virgin I am heading out to find myself a friend with benefits!

 In a moment of utter boredom the other night I decided to watch Fifty Shades of Grey; it is two hours of my life I am not going to get back! However, the eye candy wasn’t too bad and it did give me some food for thought. 

It got me thinking about our “guilty pleasures”. We all have them don’t we? And I'm not talking about eating a packet of Tim Tams in front of Love Island! When you start dating someone at what point do you confess your fantasies? Or when is the right time for him to tell you exactly what he likes to do in the bedroom? Perhaps he fancies himself as a Christian Grey? In conservative old Canterbury, how do you broach the more spicy subjects around sex? What is titillating for one person might be utterly disgusting to another. So how do you gauge it? And in this over 40’s man drought that we seem to be in, do you open your mind, and your legs, to things outside of your comfort zone, just so you can say “finally, I’m not single anymore!” Or, is Canterbury not so conservative after all?

In Fifty Shades, Christian Grey can get away with his penchant for inflicting pain and pleasure because he is a billionaire and ridiculously handsome. I am not sure he would have quite the allure if he was a middle aged, paunchy man living in trackies in Redwood! But, let us just say that you love a bit of slap and tickle, so to speak. How do you tell your new man that you have been dating for a few weeks that you love it a bit rough? 

It reminds me of a man I heard from who met an amazing woman in Christchurch and had a few romantic dates before inviting her round to take things to the next level. She arrived with her petite overnight bag and after a romantic dinner they ascended to the bedroom where they started to consummate their blossoming relationship. In the middle of things she asked him to slap her. Then she asked him to slap her harder. Then, she reached into her overnight bag, and extracted handcuffs and a paddle and begged him to use them and not hold back! Sadly this deflated his ardour as he is a nice guy and his Mother taught him that a gentleman never raises his hand to a lady. Needless to say this lady left with her paddle between her legs and the relationship did not progress any further. But it begs the question when is too soon to discuss your sexual fantasies? 

Assuming you did not meet on kinkysingles.co.nz, slappmehard.com or lookingforathruple.co.nz do you talk about your fantasies online before you meet? By the way, in case you want to head to these websites to find the love of your life - I just made them up. But I'm pretty sure you can find a webpage for just about any fetish you can think of (and probably some you never imagined!) But I digress.

Getting back to the “when” question…….Do you mention your guilty pleasures on the first date? Or wait till you’ve been together a while so you know they are into you? There are so many shades of grey when it comes to dating and new relationships, and if both parties are consenting adults, there is no wrong or right when it comes to sex and what turns you on. But agreeing to something you are not into, just because it took you so damn long to find this particular man, is not something that is ever worth doing.

Maybe the secret is finding someone you feel comfortable and safe with, with mutual respect and a desire to make each other happy. Under these circumstances, curling up with them and talking about your sexual fantasies or preferences should feel natural and easy.

Being able to have an open discussion about an open relationship or chatting about your fantasy about having a threesome should be something you can do safely and without judgement. You may find you are not with someone who wants the same things but we should never be willing to compromise our boundaries or values just because we don’t want to be single anymore. 

I just hope I never meet anyone with a foot fetish as feet are just utterly gross and I am not sucking anybody’s toes under any circumstances.

There is nothing worse than carrying too much weight. No. Not the Easter weight you are worrying about; I am talking about the weight of expectations. Expectation can turn a fledgling, potential-filled first or second date into a handbrake that prevents the blossoming of a beautiful relationship. For both sexes there are heavy expectations that come with dating and relationships and often, they are not communicated well and they stop us knowing what is actually best for us. 

For example, who organises the first date? Many women are so used to organising everything in our lives that we end up suggesting dates, arranging locations and booking tables. I believe our expectation is that most men will not plan the way that we do and since we are usually much more proactive in dating we feel we have to take the lead. But is this what we really want and is this what will encourage a man to pursue us? I know that I want a man who shows me he is interested by taking the lead and organising dates. I want to know he wants to make the effort, takes the time to plan it and most importantly, takes action. Are we as modern, self-assured women, removing the opportunity for men to show their interest by doing it all in our dating lives and perhaps in our relationships too?

Even more complicated is the expectations around who pays on the first date. This is huge! I will be honest, I am a traditionalist and believe that a man who is interested in me romantically should pay on the first date. It is courteous, gentlemanly, shows his interest in me and that he sees my value.  To me, going Dutch suggests he is interested in just friendship since this is what friends do and shows no investment into a potential relationship. 

I understand this is not every woman’s expectation. I have friends who have a totally different opinion, believing that they want to be equal, pay their own way and feel that a man paying means he thinks they cannot pay for their own dinner. Or even worse, they feel the man’s expectation is that paying for dinner means he is entitled to sex. Does a man really think that sex is only worth the cost of a main and a couple of glasses of wine? I hope not. I never worry about these things because I know my own worth. I am equal whether I pay or not and a healthy masculine male will know that. If your date has these expectations then I would say walk out with your head held high and never look back!

And talking of sex, the expectations around this is a minefield. Exactly how long do you wait before you have sex when you are dating? Clearly in this era of dating apps and sexual freedom, there is no set time for jumping into bed with your date. But if it is a relationship you are after then maybe we need to drop expectations and turn to science and psychology. Current expert thinking is that waiting at least a few weeks is beneficial if you want to secure your relationship and some even advocate waiting at least three months. I can hear your gasps and cynical laughs across the interweb because this was my reaction too. But how many of us have had a man be amazing for the first three months making us fall head over heels with their commitment, passion, kindness and attention? Then, slowly, they change because they cannot maintain the facade and because the thrill of the chase is over, they stop making the effort they made in the beginning.

When we have sex women release massive amounts of oxytocin (known as the ‘love drug’) and dopamine (the “feel good hormone”), and we get more attached and feel more in love and are heartbroken when we get ghosted or we feel men lose interest. 

So is the solution holding off on sex for three months until you know the real nature of someone and can see a man for who he truly is without all these love drugs running rampant in our bodies? I don’t think that is realistic or doable for most people and as an expectation can be very damaging to the natural development of a relationship. But I do think that taking it slowly, getting to know someone, having authentic conversations about who you both are and what you are looking for is usually more successful. And most importantly, remember your worth and value and never let anyone else weigh you down with their heavy expectations.

If you are on Facebook or Instagram you may have noticed the rise in the dating app ‘alternatives’. Maybe it is because I am ‘on the market’ so to speak, or perhaps because Google is always listening to my conversations, but my feed is full of Singles Nights, Speed Dating, Singles Private Dinner Parties, Wine Tasting Date Nights and even Singles Dating Holidays.

The thought of being trapped on the holiday from hell with numerous women like myself, all competing widely for the affections of the one decent guy amongst a bunch of random old men fills me with dread. But the other options don’t sound too bad. 

Because even though I have done my fair share of dating on apps I am not a fan as you probably already know. Tinder, Bumble and Hinge are basically beauty pageants where the beautiful (or beautifully filtered) are kept busy and everyone else seems to rotate around the same old faces over and over and over again with no matches in sight.  Sadly Canterbury is not New York or London, so we don’t have a wide range of Apps, and if we do have new ones, there are only 10 people on them and we probably know them all already. So, on the surface, these new options seem like better IRL (in real life) alternatives. But are they really?!

Recent research on these dating events done by yours truly and my equally single friends, has highlighted an issue; there are too many women and not enough men! In fact, it can be almost a 2:1 ratio - not ideal. Consequently, I have seen adverts “Calling Single Men” or the intriguing “Men We Want YOU!’ all over social media. It seems that the people with the thankless task of organising these events are realising that men are just not rushing to attend. But why not? There are single men out there, we know that. Are they shy? Do they have dating fatigue? Or maybe, they’ve just put it in the too hard basket!

Hundreds of years ago finding a mate was much less complicated. You probably lived in a small town or village and there were probably only a handful of age-appropriate contenders for your affections. Not much choice, less expectations. You shyly noticed someone who hopefully noticed you. After parental agreement and a few bags of corn or a cow had changed hands, you were married. And that was that. Job done. They didn’t have to be everything to you. They just had to give you children, help you raise them, support them and put food on the table. Simple. You had your friends, your family, your village to supply the things your spouse could not supply. Life was simple. And, they probably died before they were 35!

Fast forward to now and we have too much choice. So much expectation of our partners to be fabulously attractive, be our lover (providing mind-blowing, adventurous sex of course), our team mate in our financial aspirations, a hands-on parent and housekeeper, our best friend and confidante and maybe even our business partner. It is a lot of pressure for a man when maybe all he wants is a simple life; a cold beer when he gets home, a hot meal and blow job while watching the footy!

Maybe it is just all too much effort for a guy to show up at these events, dressed up, with good chat and an interest in the women he is meeting. Maybe it is too confrontational for them; too much competition.  I do hope I am wrong and I hope the event's organisers find the men they need to even up the numbers. Because I don’t really want the only phone number I get to be another female I’ve bonded with over our mutual dating experiences in Christchurch! I have enough female friends, so come on single guys, get up, scrub up, and show up - SINGLES NIGHTS NEED YOU! 

This month we brace ourselves for the annual delight that is Valentines Day. Dating back hundreds of years to a Christian martyr called Valentine, who wrote his final letter to the jailer’s daughter signing it “Your Valentine”, February 14th has long been associated with love and romance in many celebrations around the world. Valentine's Day engenders a myriad of feelings and emotions ranging from eye-rolling cynicism to bright-eyed hopeful dreaming. Total disinterest to abject fear and trepidation. So, how the hell do we get through this potentially soul-destroying day that makes us feel more single than any other single person, ever?

Well, if we can’t avoid it by staying in bed under the duvet with a vibrator and extra batteries, then at least we should remove ourselves from the torture chamber that is Social Media. On the day Facebook, Instagram and the like will be awash with all the lovely things that people are doing for their special ones on this one enlightened day of the year. Flowers may be purchased and proudly presented like they had birthed every bud themselves. Dinner tables will be booked, usually only the week before though, so they end up somewhere “oh but it’s relaxed and casual darling”, when they really wanted 5th Street or King of Snake. The glowing photographs of beautiful people in their perfect couply lives, eating beautiful food and drinks and boasting enviable locations will bathe social media in a rose-gold glow of love and romance. Make you feel like you are the loneliest, least loveable person on earth.

But as a single lady I will not be losing sleep over zero bouquets or dinner reservations. I am very happy for those people who have a “date for Valentines Day”. I am not sad, or jealous, miserable or feeling unloved. Because I am waiting for the man who dates me everyday like it is Valentine's Day. I don’t mean flowers and dinner every day (although that would be lovely), I mean someone who chooses to love me, actively, every single day. A relationship takes work and effort and both parts of a couple need to “date” the other one every day. To make time for each other, listen to each other, celebrate each other and support each other. Not just on Valentine's Day.

But I have a another secret weapon for avoiding loneliness. It is something I was lucky enough to work out years ago, and that was, whether or not I had a romantic mate to love me, I had something better. Something more permanent and more enduring. I had friendship love. Friends I love and who loved me back. Who choose me and I choose them. Every Day. And without a doubt, friendship love has been the overwhelming love of my life. My soul mate. My ride or die. 

So, on February 14th I will definitely be celebrating love, with my friends, the loves of my life. If you are in a relationship or have a date for this prestigious day, I wish you unicorns and rainbows, wondrous blooms, perfect dinner reservations and sharing plates for two. If you are single, gather your friends, hug them hard, tell them you love them and share your favourite stories over your favourite cocktail! There is nothing better!

Should you ever find yourself in a Central City venue in Christchurch on an evening, it is likely you will see groups of beautifully dressed, attractive women of a certain age enjoying a few glasses of Central Otago Pinot Noir or Rose. Chances are many of these lovely women are part of a fast growing group - the single woman over 40! 

Some may have willingly severed a long relationship and are embracing their singledom with the glee of a small child tasting ice cream for the first time. But some find themselves frustratingly alone having been bereaved or betrayed, or maybe they just discovered that the man they thought was “the one” was in fact barely a 0.1. If you find yourself licking your wounds due to a difficult break up or divorce, it may take some time before you even think about dating, let alone feel ready to face another relationship. But eventually most of us find ourselves willing to risk our big toe and dip it back into the dating world…..but what is waiting for us? Especially in Christchurch.

In recent years, the number of single women over the age of 40 has seemingly increased exponentially and I have always been amazed that these women are single. We are talking about attractive, funny, smart women generally with great jobs and a nice home. When us single women get together and talk about dating, the conversation seems to rotate around the same subjects; the woes of on-line dating, the lack of decent men “out there” and the age old question of “where do you go to meet nice men?” Not that we are all transfixed on finding a man - in fact I find it is quite the opposite. Single women lead full lives and we have a lot to talk about because we have a lot going on. Between our careers, children, grandchildren, friends, travelling, pets and social life we fill our own cup and dont need a man. But at some point we generally agree that these things would be better with someone to share them with. 

Not to mention, the world is obsessed with love. You only have to watch TV to witness our obsession - The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Married at First Sight, Love Island, Farmer Wants a Wife and even Naked Dating! 

In writing this article I am not oblivious to the potential comparison with Sex in the City, or more appropriately, the 50-plus spin-off “And Just Like That”. However, Christchurch is not New York. In SITC new love interests pop up more often than the famous yellow taxi cabs and they are always handsome and wealthy. The epitome of slightly tragic “movie magic” in action!

This series will be an observation and analysis of Cantabrian singledom. From my research, i.e. talking to my single friends and eavesdropping at parties and events, it seems that looking for a potential partner in Christchurch is much like looking for clothes in a second hand shop. 

There are plenty out there, but as you search you realise that they are not your type and most are old, thinning and a bit saggy. Worst of all,  you can totally understand why their last owner ditched them. But once in a while, after a lot of searching, you find that vintage and unique item that fits perfectly, is beautifully maintained and makes you feel amazing! And that is why we keep searching…..for that diamond in the rough. 

Over the next few months we will talk about the reality of being a single woman in this city of ours. How to live, love, laugh and thrive whether happily single or looking for the yin to your yang. 

Good luck out there, Cantabrians.

Until next time.