FUNNY IN LOVE

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The Single Life, for those of you who may not know, is a curious look at dating and being single as a mature person in Canterbury. I like to observe what is going on for my single friends and me and try and compare it to what is going on in the dating world at large. But sometimes, as we constantly swipe left, I do wonder, is there actually anything funny about it? Or is it all so ridiculous that you have to laugh, because otherwise you will cry? 

We hear that there are good men ‘out there’. And I personally know many fabulous men; friends, the partners and husbands of my girl friends, people I work with. But sometimes, it feels like looking for the needle in the haystack. It is an insurmountable job - searching through the piles of hay for a small shiny object; the hay is usually damp and smelly and if you do find a needle it is often rusty and armed with a small prick! I have been horrified by the amount of ‘f-ugly’ on Christchurch dating apps. It is one “OMG” after another, with a few “WTF’s” and “YUK’s” thrown in. Men presenting themselves in dressing gowns, men with beards in a plait that reaches their bellies, men with their pierced tongues sticking out. One after the other, photos that leave you wondering “where the hell do these men hide in the daylight?”

I recently saw a ridiculous dating app profile from a man who clearly thinks he is a big needle with a lot to offer us desperate single ladies. His picture presented him in fashionable ‘abattoir’ white gumboots, stubbies and a stained wife beater with his bald head and long mullet proudly on display. He clearly thought this look was click bait for us! But it was his profile that was really jaw-dropping. “I’ve been single too long and need a wife. Must be sexy and attractive and must know how to do the dishes.” Well, get in line ladies! Isn’t that tempting? 

Is he serious? Well, I’m afraid so. And it gets worse…another profile said in answer to the prompt, ‘what makes a relationship great is… “Be submissive, I don’t date boss women. I’m not intimidated by you, I just don’t like masculine females. I know what’s best.” WTF!!? It would actually be hilarious if it wasn’t true. And it is this truth that makes you want to cry. But these are the obvious ones to avoid - easy to spot and flick off to the left. Too dumb to realise that they make it easy. But how can we make sure that we pick a man who is one of the good ones when sometimes it is not so clear? If you are like me and have made mistakes in the past with your choice of men, how do you trust yourself to get it right the next time?

Firstly, if you get past the profile and match, start to pay attention to what he is actually telling you in the chatting phase. Listen to what he is asking you. To how his personality presents itself. Please don't ignore the glaringly obvious signs like I recently did. I was arranging a date with a guy who seemed like a nice, normal, kind looking man. We can call him Richard. Richard had reasonable photos (which I now know were old and had very flattering lighting or filters), and he seemed to be confident and funny in our chats. But when I said, ‘let me know when and where and I’ll see you there’ he responded with a ‘I don’t know anywhere to go - can you suggest somewhere?’ Confused, I asked him if he lived in Christchurch because maybe I’d inadvertently matched with a person in Ashburton or somewhere but no. Richard replied ‘I don’t know anywhere as I don’t go out.’ 

Now, I wasn’t paying attention. I missed this massive red flag (I’m an extrovert and am not looking for a home body), and then ended up on an awful date with a socially awkward Richard who looked like he never left the house, clearly didn’t have any ‘going out’ clothes and who could have won a gold medal for boring at the Olympics. His ‘confident and funny’ chat obviously only took place behind the safety net of a screen and I just knew Richard was a man who had cats because he smelled of them and his charming orange anorak was covered in cat hair. As if all this wasn’t enough he was also creepy, kept looking at my boobs and when he told me he’d been on the app for almost 19 years I wasn’t in the slightest bit surprised. 

It was my own fault - I should have seen the signs but I didn’t. So I escaped, blocked him on the app, then drove a few times around Merivale Mall car park in case he followed me home. So please, by all means be open-minded about who you date, even go for men who are not your usual type, but pay attention, watch out for signs that might indicate they are not what you are looking for, not who they say they are or, just plain creepy or weird. Believe me, it is not always obvious. 

Secondly, it is very important to get to know each other before launching into a full blown relationship and then finding out that the person you are living with is not the person you thought they were. There is nothing worse than falling for the guy who picks you up, takes you out for dinner and brings you flowers weekly but then ending up with a guy who picks his nose, eats take out dinner and brings you his dirty laundry. Getting to know a person takes time so… s.l.o.w. d.o.w.n. ladies. Lean back, find out who these men really are before jumping into bed, giving them all your spare time or moving in with them. 

Sex is wonderful and easy to fall into but as much as we try to deny it, we are not built like men. If we can have casual sex it is because we have trained ourselves to ignore the feeling we get afterwards or because we are not that interested in the guy. If we do like him, we are toast. Because our brains become Oxytocin-marinated mush. We can’t help it. It’s how we are wired. Women have massive surges of Oxytocin (the love hormone) when we have sex and yes, it’s Oxytocin’s fault that we obsess about him like a crazy person in the early stages of the dating process. 

If we want to find out if our man is a genuine catch or actually a wolf pretending to be a catch so he can catch us, we need to take our sweet time to get to know him. They may rush you. Love bombing is designed to produce the love drug. And you might think you want the whole Christian Grey 'I'll pick you up in my private jet’ kind of experience but I think the reality would feel very different and controlling since there is always a price for everything, no matter how it is packaged. Having said that, I wouldn’t mind trying it out just once - does anyone even have a private jet in Christchurch? 

No? Well, maybe I’d be happy to meet someone who doesn’t own a cat or an orange anorak and can actually hold a conversation in real life. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I hope not.  

I’ll keep you posted…

Is it too late to say Happy New Year to all you fabulously single folk of Canterbury? I don’t think so.  Since we are now well ensconced into another new year, what is your mindset? How are those resolutions going? Could you tell me what they were or have you forgotten all about them already? For me, the intention that seems to be lasting the course is the ‘new year, new man’ one and it seems I am not alone. I have had a number of women say to me that 2025 is the year they will find love. 

But is this declaration purely a result of the looming dread that is Valentines Day or is there something more purposeful involved? Will this declaration soon be gathering dust in the corner along with the hastily purchased gym memberships, Noom subscriptions and empty gratitude journals languishing unloved and unused? Well, I can’t speak for everyone else but in my case, I hope not. 

I have realised that I spent much of 2024 looking backwards at the break-ups, disasters and unfulfilling ‘situationships’, berating myself with that most useless of all questions - why? I was looking for answers that were clearly more elusive than a Kiwi in the bush, so I have decided that in 2025 there will be no more ‘why’. There is only going to be ‘do’! What am I going to do to change things? What actions could I take to get what I wanted? What would I do if fear didn’t exist? And suddenly, as if by magic, lots of answers started to appear. Like rabbits being pulled from a hat. Because asking why something had happened was an unanswerable question. But asking what could I do about it resulted in endless answers - who knew?

So you may be thinking - well? What did you do? Get to the point! Well, I signed up on Hinge and started going on dates. For those of you who are already on dating apps I know you will relate when I say - for the love of God - dating is exhausting! Before, when I was younger and had more energy, I could go out on two or three coffee dates in one day. But now? One is my limit. I learned that gem after trying to fit two dates in, one after the other. But I couldn’t get out of the car for the second date and text him feigning a ‘family emergency’. I promptly went home, lay on the couch in silence and read a book. Blissful! But I am grateful for the learning so now I know my limits. 

What else have I learned? Let me focus on the positives. I have strong boundaries - I think you need to to control the dopamine addiction that the apps feed into. I only look at the app once in the morning and once in the evening. It is not going to dominate my life. I also never, ever, respond to a message from someone I’ve never met after 9pm. Doing that just seems to send some men into X-rated territory and I want to avoid that. 

I also go on dates with no expectation, especially of meeting ‘the one’. I am lucky that I am an extrovert and a curious one at that, so I can enjoy the simple process of finding out about another human rather than expecting to find my Prince. So that is what I focus on - finding out who they are. But I also focus on how I feel when I’m with them and what version of me they inspire. Of the two dates I have had so far, both were pleasant, friendly and respectful. Neither were physically attractive to me, sadly, but both could hold a conversation, asked me questions and were enjoyable to spend time with. But there will be no second dates and let me tell you why. 

Date number one was 64 yrs old and although he seemed fit and in good shape was also only 168cm tall with very small hands which I found really, really off-putting. He also said, as we were looking at the menu, (yes I made the rookie mistake of accepting lunch for a first date - never again), he said, ’I don’t like to share my meals.’ Instant red flag for me. I feel if you are not going to share your chips with me then you are unlikely to be generous in other areas of your life. Especially annoying as he left all his chips! I am a foodie - it is in my DNA to see food as a bonding experience - food is designed to be shared and loved en masse and anyone who doesn’t believe this is not my person. It's a values thing.

Date number two was less dramatic; he was nice, 47 years old (okay, okay yes, I have a wide age range in place), and we chatted very comfortably over coffee, But this one is simple; he has a ten year old child and I am far too old for that malarkey. So after a pleasant coffeeI told him that and we parted amicably with wishes of good luck for future dates. 

I am also chatting with a variety of other guys on the app and this, for me, is the worst part. Don’t get me wrong, I adore chatting, but I prefer it in real life with someone I can see, hear and smell. I don’t see the point of chatting for ages with someone only to finally meet them and know, within seconds, that they are not the one for you. But getting them to commit to a real date is like trying to find a winkle on Nicole Kidman. But more than that, I am shocked how many men think I require a “good morning beautiful” message in the mornings. I do not require this unless you are lying next to me - so please don’t bother when I have never met you. Am I alone? How do you feel about this?

So, not an altogether unsuccessful start to my 2025 online dating career and I am sure you will hear more stories in the coming months. 

Because, despite the exhaustion, I will persist as I am ready to find love in 2025. Will I manage to have a date for Valentine's Day? Will you? I hope you find something useful in my rantings and if anything sounds like a good idea to you, please take it as your own - we are all in this together, afterall.

To spur me and others on in our dating marathon (it is definitely not a sprint!), I would love to hear your dating or Valentines stories. Maybe comment on a Single Life Instagram post or email us at Cantabrian Magazine. We would love to hear about your dating tales - good or bad, funny or sad.

Until next time…