RESOLVE TO FIND LOVE?

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Is it too late to say Happy New Year to all you fabulously single folk of Canterbury? I don’t think so.  Since we are now well ensconced into another new year, what is your mindset? How are those resolutions going? Could you tell me what they were or have you forgotten all about them already? For me, the intention that seems to be lasting the course is the ‘new year, new man’ one and it seems I am not alone. I have had a number of women say to me that 2025 is the year they will find love. 

But is this declaration purely a result of the looming dread that is Valentines Day or is there something more purposeful involved? Will this declaration soon be gathering dust in the corner along with the hastily purchased gym memberships, Noom subscriptions and empty gratitude journals languishing unloved and unused? Well, I can’t speak for everyone else but in my case, I hope not. 

I have realised that I spent much of 2024 looking backwards at the break-ups, disasters and unfulfilling ‘situationships’, berating myself with that most useless of all questions - why? I was looking for answers that were clearly more elusive than a Kiwi in the bush, so I have decided that in 2025 there will be no more ‘why’. There is only going to be ‘do’! What am I going to do to change things? What actions could I take to get what I wanted? What would I do if fear didn’t exist? And suddenly, as if by magic, lots of answers started to appear. Like rabbits being pulled from a hat. Because asking why something had happened was an unanswerable question. But asking what could I do about it resulted in endless answers - who knew?

So you may be thinking - well? What did you do? Get to the point! Well, I signed up on Hinge and started going on dates. For those of you who are already on dating apps I know you will relate when I say - for the love of God - dating is exhausting! Before, when I was younger and had more energy, I could go out on two or three coffee dates in one day. But now? One is my limit. I learned that gem after trying to fit two dates in, one after the other. But I couldn’t get out of the car for the second date and text him feigning a ‘family emergency’. I promptly went home, lay on the couch in silence and read a book. Blissful! But I am grateful for the learning so now I know my limits. 

What else have I learned? Let me focus on the positives. I have strong boundaries - I think you need to to control the dopamine addiction that the apps feed into. I only look at the app once in the morning and once in the evening. It is not going to dominate my life. I also never, ever, respond to a message from someone I’ve never met after 9pm. Doing that just seems to send some men into X-rated territory and I want to avoid that. 

I also go on dates with no expectation, especially of meeting ‘the one’. I am lucky that I am an extrovert and a curious one at that, so I can enjoy the simple process of finding out about another human rather than expecting to find my Prince. So that is what I focus on - finding out who they are. But I also focus on how I feel when I’m with them and what version of me they inspire. Of the two dates I have had so far, both were pleasant, friendly and respectful. Neither were physically attractive to me, sadly, but both could hold a conversation, asked me questions and were enjoyable to spend time with. But there will be no second dates and let me tell you why. 

Date number one was 64 yrs old and although he seemed fit and in good shape was also only 168cm tall with very small hands which I found really, really off-putting. He also said, as we were looking at the menu, (yes I made the rookie mistake of accepting lunch for a first date - never again), he said, ’I don’t like to share my meals.’ Instant red flag for me. I feel if you are not going to share your chips with me then you are unlikely to be generous in other areas of your life. Especially annoying as he left all his chips! I am a foodie - it is in my DNA to see food as a bonding experience - food is designed to be shared and loved en masse and anyone who doesn’t believe this is not my person. It's a values thing.

Date number two was less dramatic; he was nice, 47 years old (okay, okay yes, I have a wide age range in place), and we chatted very comfortably over coffee, But this one is simple; he has a ten year old child and I am far too old for that malarkey. So after a pleasant coffeeI told him that and we parted amicably with wishes of good luck for future dates. 

I am also chatting with a variety of other guys on the app and this, for me, is the worst part. Don’t get me wrong, I adore chatting, but I prefer it in real life with someone I can see, hear and smell. I don’t see the point of chatting for ages with someone only to finally meet them and know, within seconds, that they are not the one for you. But getting them to commit to a real date is like trying to find a winkle on Nicole Kidman. But more than that, I am shocked how many men think I require a “good morning beautiful” message in the mornings. I do not require this unless you are lying next to me - so please don’t bother when I have never met you. Am I alone? How do you feel about this?

So, not an altogether unsuccessful start to my 2025 online dating career and I am sure you will hear more stories in the coming months. 

Because, despite the exhaustion, I will persist as I am ready to find love in 2025. Will I manage to have a date for Valentine's Day? Will you? I hope you find something useful in my rantings and if anything sounds like a good idea to you, please take it as your own - we are all in this together, afterall.

To spur me and others on in our dating marathon (it is definitely not a sprint!), I would love to hear your dating or Valentines stories. Maybe comment on a Single Life Instagram post or email us at Cantabrian Magazine. We would love to hear about your dating tales - good or bad, funny or sad.

Until next time…